Suggestion (Revised)

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I didn't know how to originally construct this post.  Maybe I was trying to be covert, but I was inspired to address this topic of bad breath because of a new certain someone in my life.  A likable someone.  One night I was over his apartment and he put his arms around my waist, held me close then kissed my back.  I turned around to kiss his lips and after that he stopped.



Maybe he was teasing me or was worried that the spaghetti we were cooking would burn if we continued to kiss that way.  But I couldn't help but think, did I have bad breath?  Earlier that night I had been out to a Lounge with him, where I stupidly smoked a cigarette, unfiltered.  (Stupid because I know smoking's not healthy.  Not because I was afraid of tasting like an ashtray).  I don't remember having a piece of gum or anything to take the tobacco taste out of my mouth after smoking.  Could he taste it on me?  Was I offensive? 

After we ate dinner, he held me on the couch for a while, then made a pallet on the floor to lay down on.  He told me to stay on the couch, since I was "already comfortable", then fell asleep as we watched the rest of The Big Lebowski.  Is he snoring?

Seriously, he just could have offered me some mouthwash or something.  Was I that bad? Luckily I had just learned about Tantric Celibacy, which allowed me to breath into the feeling he put on me when we kissed, which was still lingering from that moment in the kitchen.  I tried not to judge the situation or my feelings at that point.  The only thing I wanted then was to fall asleep as easily as he had, to be "knocked out".  I gave up on making myself feel bad about any clumsiness I may have had to turn him off.  Then I realized...Wait.  He's been really respectful.  He made me dinner, and now he's sleeping on the floor.. He must like me. 

 

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If the clock hadn't read 3 in the morning, I would have gathered my things and booked out of there.  Why was that my first reaction?  To leave.  And then I wondered why I was willing to stay the night with him if I didn't want him to be interested in the first place.  That's when  I discovered: I'm a Siren. 

For as long as I've been "romantically active" with the opposite sex, I have been the partner to initiate romance, first.  As I stared at the DVD Menu of Lebowski, I mentally flipped through the catalog of lover's I've had in my life...there was "Smoove" (the worst nickname of any lover).  I scared him away after 2 years with the failing of the forbidden act (we were naive, and 15).  "MF" who wanted to be just friends after we broke up, but I didn't realize that at the time.  Pants, who wanted to take it slow.  And __, who was striving for "no sex until marriage".  But I...I just felt entitled. 

Once upon a recent time, I had a long distance relationship that really fucked me up.  I mean, here was a person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I did everything in my power to show this person I cared.  Though, I wasn't always an Angel, I did always strive to be considerate, consoling, patient.  I read books on how to understand men better (i.e. Mars et Venus).  I took courses on learning to understand myself better, so that I could communicate with him and share myself.  (I sucked at being vulnerable).   I meditated and abstained for him.  I became a sex goddess.  But I couldn't seem to convince him of how I felt.  Then every few months I would call a quits, and somehow there was always a person who seemed interested to take his place.  It didn't take much to have me hooked. All they had to do was invite me somewhere or over to their house for drinks. A movie.  Having been communicating long distance, either of us never invited each other anywhere, in addition to various reasons.  Nevertheless, throughout the time I was "gone" and I would venture out with these other males, I never shared a personal part of myself.  Not my spirit, but my physical state.

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One day I was driving down the road, during one of our hiatuses, and "Creep" by TLC came on the radio.  All my life I've been listening to this song, and never really knew what the lyrics were conveying.  All of a sudden I found myself in hysterical laughter.  It seemed as though Tboz was describing exactly what I was going through. 

The 22nd of loneliness and we've
Been through so many things
I love my man with all honesty
But I know he's cheating on me
I look him in his eyes but all he
Tells me is lies to keep me near
I'll never leave him down though
I might mess around it's only
Cause I need some affection...so i creep

In the end, I just wanted some attention.  Someone to take notice and say, "Hey, I like you. Lets spend time together."  Just time.  Nothing serious.  Nothing profound, especially since I'm young.  But somewhere along the way I lost a perception essential to who I was and who I wanted to be*: the idea that sex is significant and special with who you share it with, that it has the power to bond you to a person you have a deeper connection with.  A connection you plan to nurture over time.  

Because of love I've settled for meaningless pleasure and fun.  And now that I'm out of love, I'm not sure that I want it anymore.  So if I didn't want love, why did I still want sex? 

*I wanted to be Chaste growing up, but my mom told me that was stupid.  Don't let someone detour you from your beliefs, ladies.  Please.  

original post: Friday, March 26, 2010